There are things in this world of which I have little to no idea about or how to discover. Crazy, I know, but true nonetheless. Most of that sort of thing is actually off in the world in places I've never even had the remotest thought about going to or experiencing. I'm not exactly adventurous, I don't like change, and at this point in my experience of life I doubt that's something that'll change about me. Regardless, I have been referred to as "Knower of Things" before and I'm sure I will be again, which mostly means the quantity of knowledge stored in this cranium is not a trivial amount even if it's primarily of a trivial nature. With that no longer in mind, let's discuss something dear to my heart. I just haven't decided which topic yet. It's either gonna be chemistry from an undergrad point if view or something people find either easily hated or baffling. We'll see...
For now, however, I just need to figure out some sort of inspiration for doing, well, anything. I'm in what some may refer to as a slump (primarily creatively but it seeps into other aspects of what I do) and it's been going on long enough that it's annoying. I think it may have something to do with my mental catch-22 of needing to have a reason to do something (most often for someone like friends or family) and not just "do it for myself." That, my friends, is a dumb and entirely selfish reason, and from what I've experienced or been told selfish is close to the opposite of what I am. As such, reasons also including "it's good for me" and "I'll be better off for it" don't fly too far either. Unfortunately that applies to most of my life currently, and I don't really have anyone for whom I would willingly do anything for. But at the same time I don't think I'm ready for that sort of relationship (though it's not unwanted). I may be smart and mature in many areas but I'm still remarkably immature when it comes to dealing with people on a level deeper than superficiality. There's been all of... I dunno how little but it occurs to me that the number could easily be counted on one's hands- that many people who I even have ever talked to on a level that could be deemed "emotional." And that just comes so naturally to so many other people. I'm clearly not alone in my inability to communicate my emotions, it seems to be fairly rampant throughout the Internet, but why does it seem like such a negative thing sometimes? I like my ability to mediate without becoming emotionally involved, I enjoy using logic to solve issues that arise. These are acts that, while they invoke emotions in me upon completion, require either a lack or suppression of emotion. They are defining features of what people identify me as. They're very well developed aspects of who I am, but they're not he only ones.
I've been described before as a jack of all trades, and this is pretty accurate as if I put my mind to just about anything I can probably do it. With that, however, comes the other side of the coin. It's not just skills and tasks that I can do en masse, it's also mental states. I'm both highly logical and incredibly more intensely emotional than the logical side if me would like to be. The logic is predominant day-to-day but the emotions can easily overwhelm me when they happen and basically shut down my standard operations. This is infrequent but very much a truth about me. I just haven't really embraced the emotional side of me and I'm not sure I can do that of my own volition.
Basically what all this boils down to is that I'm passively seeking some sort of deeper relationship in my life and it's not exactly working. Being shy doesn't help, but I'm still not convinced that I'm ready/capable enough for it. Either that or I just managed to ensadden (it's a word now) myself listening to sad but beautiful songs and I'm attempting to cope with it by log icing it out. Meh, it's probably true regardless .
Cheers
~Cam
P.S. -Any typos/indiscernible phrases are due to me typing this on my phone.
